It sucks

Really it does having to listen to your kids tell you over and over again horrible ugly things your ex has said about you to them. D2 came home crying from her birthday dinner with her dad. D3 immediately whispered, “Dad was saying lots of mean things about you like,” here she lowered her voice even more. “like you have a mask.” I interrupted her here by smiling and miming taking off a mask, then whispering, “do I?” She laughed and all was good. BUT IT”S NOT!! I mean god damn him, what the hell is he thinking? It was D2’s birthday and he has to sit and tell her what a horrible mother she has? I am angry but it’s a hopeless kind of anger. There is not a god damn thing I can do. Yes, take him to court and watch the California courts give him mandatory parenting or anger management classes? He’s already had those.

I am not claiming to be perfect but you know, I’m a damn good mother and he’s run out of things to say except vague derogatory remarks like, your mom wears a mask.. oh yeah and he told his wife that it was my fault he cheated on her because ‘I made him the man he is today.’ that’s paraphrased, I don’t memorize that kind of shit.

This is a man who hasn’t paid court ordered child support in years. When he pays, he pays what he wants, when he wants to. Who when I asked him about health ins (which he is suppose to provide) said, well that’s your problem, isn’t it? And who has bad mouthed me every opportunity he’s had for 5 years to his CHILDREN. Who has cheated on his wife since the day they married, I know because he propositioned me! Who told his wife he was taking the kids out to dinner then called me to say he couldn’t pick them up so he could go out on a date. It takes every ounce of discipline I have not to tell them that their father is a fucking selfish prick but I do, and He is! Don’t worry, they don’t read this.  I don’t give a damn what he thinks about me, really I don’t, but he’s hurting the kids.

I’m sorry, this is neither inspirational or enlightening or even entertaining but really, I don’t know how to protect them and that hurts more than anything in the world. But you know, maybe he’s right, because I’m going to go out there now and smile and get them ready for school, watch Heroes with Eryn (our Monday night ritual) and they won’t know how impotent and sad I feel that I can’t make things better for them.

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In the news today

I have learned the recession is good for marriage. According to a study, married people, after having looked into how much a divorce will cost, have decided to try and work things out. Kinda sad really. If I’d have known how much a divorce would cost, mentally, financially and emotionally, I still would have done it. In my case the staying married was way more expensive than the divorce… oh but I do wish I could go back and change a few things, but that’s another story. : ) So, how many couples divorce because it is, or was, easy?

And good news for females. It appears the ideal female body type is not a tiny waist with generous hips and bust; it turns out that those of us with a smaller hip/waist ratio have the hormones (androgen) to better deal with stress, we’re stronger and more competitive…. in other words, we are more like stereotypical men? Please. I’d prefer to call it ‘advanced female’. ; )

On the home front, I put my coffee plant in the laundry room. I told myself it was for the heat and moisture in the air but really it’s so I don’t have to watch its slow decline into compost.

Must go grocery shopping; those pesky kids keep demanded to be fed and tonight is family night and we’re putting up the tree! My kids like tradition even more than I do, especially only boy, so we must have hot cocoa–not the real kind, the powdered stuff, and popcorn. So it’s off to the store.

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